Production Hell: A Game For Long-Suffering Artemis Fowl Fans

Many moons ago, Artemis Fowl Confidential released their awesome I Survived the Wait t-shirts (which I love and own) and the sentiment was so funny and painfully true that I couldn't let it go. So I didn't. Eventually, it turned into a full-blown game idea and creating this ridiculous, magnificent, and totally obsessive board game is honestly one of the funnest and weirdest experiences of my life to date.

The goal of the game is to survive the wait until the premiere date without dying of old age or being driven insane.


It is, in my humble opinion, a fun way to relive the joys and frustrations that have been the last 18 years of the Artemis Fowl film's adventure in and out of Production Hell.

This is a free downloadable PDF (links at the bottom of the post). Take a peak!

The board is best printed on card stock to give it some heft. It can easily be glued down onto cardboard, poster board, or even a less deserving game's board. Some assembly is required; the board comes in four large pieces, with three smaller attachments (as seen below).

I hope you all have as much fun playing it as I did in making it!
My only request is that you spread it around for more of the Fowl community to enjoy.
Please share any photos on social media with me and/or use #AFProductionHell

Hopefully it amuses the rest of the Fowldom as much as it has amused me. Have fun!

Production Hell: Game Board
Production Hell: Instructions & Score Cards

The Skeptic's Guide to Enjoying the Artemis Fowl Movie Anyway

Disney's teaser poster for Artemis Fowl, release date August 19, 2019.

Hello, there! I would be the skeptic. That's me. Hi.

Like many people, I've been waiting almost two decades for this film, and most of that time was spent believing that it would never actually happen. But it is. Finally. And I've been skeptical since they published that bombshell of a casting announcement.

But something magical happened when I watched the teaser trailer and saw that movie poster. I wanted to love it. And even if in the end I don't love it, I at least want to enjoy the ride -the wait, the flurry of excitement over new tidbits, the anticipation of more trailers, the undeniable euphoria of finally getting an Artemis Fowl movie.

Right now isn't the time to be a sourpuss. Right now, it's time to believe. So here's a 8-step guide on how we can deal with our skepticism and enjoy the upcoming Artemis Fowl film in all its glory anyway.

Step 1: Be Disappointed -Then Move On

Branagh says Artemis won't be the villain, instead it's more of a hero origin story. Be disappointed. It's okay. I'm sure there isn't a Fowl fan out there who isn't disappointed in this, or some other aspect of the film, so let the disappointment settle in. Embrace it. And then move on. Either accept the movie for what it's going to be, rather than what you wish it would have been, or admit that you don't want it and walk away.

Step 2: Recognize That It Won't Be The Book

Very, very few books have ever translated their near-entirety to film adaptations, and Artemis Fowl will not be one of them; not because the filmmakers decided they could do better, but because a lot of the book's ideas won't transition well to film. These are two vastly different mediums with different audience expectations. So instead of moping about what the film won't be, get excited about how the film might translate the core elements that made the book awesome into a new adventure.

Step 3: Anticipate A Different Ending

Now, this is just my supposition; there's no evidence as yet that the ending will actually vary much from the book, BUT if Artemis is not going to be the outright villain of the piece, it makes sense another will have to emerge. And IF this is meant to be an origin story, there is the possibility that the film's story might not end with Artemis' kidnapping success, but instead with a situation that requires Artemis to somehow get involved with another conflict, emerging a more heroic figure.

Step 4: Keep An Open Mind

Okay, lots of people are saying this. It's easier said than done, I know, but remember that this movie is going to be a different creature entirely, and comparing it word-for-word to our beloved book is akin to apples and oranges. Plus, just remember that Eoin himself is so excited about many of the changes he's said (according to Branagh): "God I wish I'd thought of that...I'll put it into the book. I'll certainly put it in the reissue."

Step 5:  Treat It As A Stand-Alone Story, Rather Than A Potential Franchise

While it's not beyond the realm of possibility that, if successful, this could turn into Disney's next franchise, they're not going to plan on it from the get-go and leave this film open-ended. This is going to be a self-contained, complete story, which probably means it will borrow a lot of elements from later books, maybe specifically concerning Artemis' character arc, in order to deliver that 'emotional satisfaction and delivery' Branagh assures us. It will improve the quality if we judge the film on its own merit, rather than against the lost potential for as-yet non-existent sequels.

Step 6: Confront Your Skepticism

You have two choices.
Decide if you want to be a skeptic, nitpicking details for a thing we have waited nearly two decades for, because after all the waiting, we deserve perfection, right!?
Or decide if you want to enjoy every thrilling moment and development of this Impossibility. Because the Artemis Fowl film was an impossibility. It was an 'almost', a 'could have been', an 'if only'. And now it's an 'almost here', a 'will be' -but our if we keep holding onto our skepticism, it will continue to remain an 'if only.'
Most movies don't rise like a phoenix out of the ashes of 17 years in Prodcution Hell, but ours did.
Our Artemis Fowl film has already defied the odds once. Are we going to tame our skepticism to see if it will do it again?

Step 7: Watch this trailer breakdown from Artemis Fowl Confidential, because it will remind you WE'RE FINALLY GETTING A MOVIE, D'ARVIT!!!

Good or bad, love it or hate it, we can't escape the fact that we're getting a movie, an actual, real-life, live-action, BIG BUDGET movie, with all the bells and whistles, and a crew that -especially from this interview (and also this one) with Kenneth Branagh- obviously loves and respects the books and Eoin Colfer for writing them. Just like us. ^_^

8. Get Excited

Whether in the end we love the movie, tolerate it, shrug it off, or despise it, we're still getting an Artemis Fowl movie -and this new incarnation is bound to introduce the series to new generations, young and old. The Artemis Fowl fandom is about to get much, much bigger. And that is a very good thing.

Right now, I can mention Artemis Fowl on a whim and only a handful of people ever know what I'm talking about. But just imagine this time next year: Artemis Fowl could be a household name.

Want to reread the series before the film?

Join my Artemis Fowl Read Along!

Fangirling Over the Artemis Fowl Movie News, Don't Mind Me

This was me, last night at 9, when I realized that in my excitement to host a young adult book club at my library today, I *achem* actually forgot to read a young adult book for the book club I am hosting at my library TODAY.

And this was me, approx 9:30, when I remembered beloved classics are classics for just such a reason as this. It helps that I still have entire sections of Artemis Fowl memorized which frankly amazed me since I haven't read it in maybe seven years. On the other hand, I've probably read the book or listened to the audio close to 20 times.

While I didn't manage to stay up late enough to reread the whole enchilada -I'm not as young as I used to be- I left off just before Butler goes medieval and battles himself a troll. For those of you uneducated, that's roughly 7/8 into the book AND one of the most exciting parts, so I'll finish that before this afternoon no sweat.

I would have finished it last night if I hadn't gotten distracted trying to dreamcast Butler for the miracle that is the Artemis Fowl movie because WE ACTUALLY HAVE A RELEASE DATE!

August 9, 2019 is the day (hopefully, hopefully, hopefully) that the 12-year-old Irish criminal mastermind and his foray to exploit the leprechauns of their gold will hit the big screen. I say 'hopefully, hopefully, hopefully' because, well, after 16 YEARS of one of your all-time favorite books STUCK IN HOLLYWOOD'S DEVELOPMENT HELL it's hard not to become a bit of a pessimist.

But it seems we die-hard fans have something to be optimistic about! According to tvovermind.com, one of the reasons my most-anticipated movie adaptation has taken so long is because of disagreements between directors, screenwriters, and my writing hero, Mr. Colfer over said adaptation.

As it happens so often the direction that the initial director wanted to go in wasn’t deemed worth filming, neither was the direction that a second director wanted to go in. It took some time obviously but it would appear that Branagh and those in charge, and possibly the author, are now on the same wavelength and can finally bring their ideas to fruition. Nothing stalls out a book-based movie as much as miscommunication between those attempting to bring it to life.

This

could

be

HUGE.

How many adaptations have gone horribly, utterly wrong because those adapting the story didn't seem to understand said story?

While I'm still pessimistic about the movie actually being cast, filmed, developed, and released by August 9, 2019 without anymore Development Hell snaffoos, I have high hopes that -if it does actually meet its release date- this is going to be one freaking fantastic film. And nothing would make my fangirl heart happier than an excellent adaption of one of my all-time favorites, Artemis Fowl.

Don't agree? Hypable's Why You Should Be Excited About the Artemis Fowl Movie pretty much covers all the reasons.

But back to dreamcasting.

Way back when, I was totally on board with an initial fan favorite of Jason Statham in the role of Butler, Artemis' ...well, butler. Butler, chef, bodyguard. While Statham certainly lacks the stature of a true Butler -described as a 'man mountain'- he could certainly pull off the intimidation, skills, and attitude of our most beloved father-figure. However, rereading Artemis Fowl makes me realize how much I want to see that image of the hulking man mountain taking orders from a diminutive 12-year-old.

Unfortunately my Google searches for 'tallest actors under 40' and 'Eurasian actors' didn't pull up any immediate "OMYGOSH YES YES" matches, though I do find myself leaning toward the possibility of Dolph Lundgren. While he doesn't quite have the shoulder breadth I imagined, he's 6'5'', no stranger to action movies, and can totally pull off the suit and sunglasses look.

The one thing I know for sure is that I don't want Disney to cast Dwayne Johnson for this role. While he certainly has the physique and the family-friendly film record to pull it off, I just cannot picture The Rock as the intimidating Butler. I cannot picture myself seeing The Rock with a serious face and actually being able to take him seriously.

I'm looking forward to an unknown actor filling the role of Artemis; there's already a casting call for 'Irish actor aged 9-12 of any ethnicity'. I haven't even considered yet who would make a good Holly, Foaly, and Juliet. What I do know -what I have known since that fateful day I heard the movie rights had been initially bought- is that J.K. Simmons would be perfect for Julius Root. Look at him! All you have to do is color some red into his face and done.

But while I'm indecisive, I'm sure you all have opinions.

Who is your dream cast for the Artemis Fowl movie?
Thoughts, hopes, and fears for the movie adaptation?

Aaaaaand here's me when I accidentally hit the camera button again, but gracefully managed to save the picture.

Now excuse me while I dash last minute through the last of Artemis Fowl before book club since, you know, I got distracted talking to you.