Fangirling Over the Artemis Fowl Movie News, Don't Mind Me

This was me, last night at 9, when I realized that in my excitement to host a young adult book club at my library today, I *achem* actually forgot to read a young adult book for the book club I am hosting at my library TODAY.

And this was me, approx 9:30, when I remembered beloved classics are classics for just such a reason as this. It helps that I still have entire sections of Artemis Fowl memorized which frankly amazed me since I haven't read it in maybe seven years. On the other hand, I've probably read the book or listened to the audio close to 20 times.

While I didn't manage to stay up late enough to reread the whole enchilada -I'm not as young as I used to be- I left off just before Butler goes medieval and battles himself a troll. For those of you uneducated, that's roughly 7/8 into the book AND one of the most exciting parts, so I'll finish that before this afternoon no sweat.

I would have finished it last night if I hadn't gotten distracted trying to dreamcast Butler for the miracle that is the Artemis Fowl movie because WE ACTUALLY HAVE A RELEASE DATE!

August 9, 2019 is the day (hopefully, hopefully, hopefully) that the 12-year-old Irish criminal mastermind and his foray to exploit the leprechauns of their gold will hit the big screen. I say 'hopefully, hopefully, hopefully' because, well, after 16 YEARS of one of your all-time favorite books STUCK IN HOLLYWOOD'S DEVELOPMENT HELL it's hard not to become a bit of a pessimist.

But it seems we die-hard fans have something to be optimistic about! According to tvovermind.com, one of the reasons my most-anticipated movie adaptation has taken so long is because of disagreements between directors, screenwriters, and my writing hero, Mr. Colfer over said adaptation.

As it happens so often the direction that the initial director wanted to go in wasn’t deemed worth filming, neither was the direction that a second director wanted to go in. It took some time obviously but it would appear that Branagh and those in charge, and possibly the author, are now on the same wavelength and can finally bring their ideas to fruition. Nothing stalls out a book-based movie as much as miscommunication between those attempting to bring it to life.

This

could

be

HUGE.

How many adaptations have gone horribly, utterly wrong because those adapting the story didn't seem to understand said story?

While I'm still pessimistic about the movie actually being cast, filmed, developed, and released by August 9, 2019 without anymore Development Hell snaffoos, I have high hopes that -if it does actually meet its release date- this is going to be one freaking fantastic film. And nothing would make my fangirl heart happier than an excellent adaption of one of my all-time favorites, Artemis Fowl.

Don't agree? Hypable's Why You Should Be Excited About the Artemis Fowl Movie pretty much covers all the reasons.

But back to dreamcasting.

Way back when, I was totally on board with an initial fan favorite of Jason Statham in the role of Butler, Artemis' ...well, butler. Butler, chef, bodyguard. While Statham certainly lacks the stature of a true Butler -described as a 'man mountain'- he could certainly pull off the intimidation, skills, and attitude of our most beloved father-figure. However, rereading Artemis Fowl makes me realize how much I want to see that image of the hulking man mountain taking orders from a diminutive 12-year-old.

Unfortunately my Google searches for 'tallest actors under 40' and 'Eurasian actors' didn't pull up any immediate "OMYGOSH YES YES" matches, though I do find myself leaning toward the possibility of Dolph Lundgren. While he doesn't quite have the shoulder breadth I imagined, he's 6'5'', no stranger to action movies, and can totally pull off the suit and sunglasses look.

The one thing I know for sure is that I don't want Disney to cast Dwayne Johnson for this role. While he certainly has the physique and the family-friendly film record to pull it off, I just cannot picture The Rock as the intimidating Butler. I cannot picture myself seeing The Rock with a serious face and actually being able to take him seriously.

I'm looking forward to an unknown actor filling the role of Artemis; there's already a casting call for 'Irish actor aged 9-12 of any ethnicity'. I haven't even considered yet who would make a good Holly, Foaly, and Juliet. What I do know -what I have known since that fateful day I heard the movie rights had been initially bought- is that J.K. Simmons would be perfect for Julius Root. Look at him! All you have to do is color some red into his face and done.

But while I'm indecisive, I'm sure you all have opinions.

Who is your dream cast for the Artemis Fowl movie?
Thoughts, hopes, and fears for the movie adaptation?

Aaaaaand here's me when I accidentally hit the camera button again, but gracefully managed to save the picture.

Now excuse me while I dash last minute through the last of Artemis Fowl before book club since, you know, I got distracted talking to you.