Harma-Geddon's Comin' | TLG Ch 5-8 | Artemis Fowl Read Along

For anyone who hasn't heard yet, the Artemis Fowl film has been delayed until May 2020. While frustrating, all indications are this is a good move, as this is potentially a better release slot for it to break out as a commercial success. There are also indications that some re-shooting is happening, though how extensive they are is unclear; the reason for the delay is officially the Disney/Fox merger.

We've waited 18 years already to see this favorite book hit the big screen, so one more year isn't the end of the world. I do feel the need to point out however, that I have been waiting to see this film for more than half of my life. Please make it worth the wait, Disney.

With that out of the way, let's get this week's Fowl Day post!

Chapter 5: Harma-Geddon

Don't worry, Juliet; the wait won't be long. In just over a year the world get a load of Myles Fowl, and Beckett, too. I can't wait to see what happens then.

Chapter 6: Rise, My Beauties

Artemis is trying to plot on his way to save the twins, but there are certain scenarios he can't face, and pushes those to the back of his mind. And while he can't stomach the thought of his brothers harmed, he already knows revenge will be his if they are.
While Artemis hasn't been a stranger to 'revenge' or dishing out some just desserts in the past, this one certainly seems and feels much darker, in keeping with the overall grittier feel of this book so far. One direction or another, The Last Guardian will be the final step in Artemis' development.

This is also an interesting foil to Arty's blind spot when it comes to things he doesn't care about. We've seen it several times over the series, most notably in The Eternity Code when his Cube almost alerts Jon Spiro to the People because Artemis was careless about not disconnecting it form LEP probes. That one slip up almost cost the People everything, because Artemis was blinded by his own greed and selfish desires. Now, Artemis is faced with the possibility of losing his loved ones, something too horrible for him to even contemplate, resulting in a similar blind spot, this one born of emotional weakness, rather than pure selfishness.

Will this 'Poppy' nickname come back as something important later? It's possible this is just a piece of worldbuilding that hasn't made it into the series until now, but it seems rather significant suddenly dropped that for some unknown reason all the females in Holly's family have the nickname 'Poppy'. Curiosity = piqued.

Foaly's Universal Law of Maximum Doo-Doo Displacement is a must know for all beings attempting to function in society.

This medieval couplet about the locks is very revealing about Opal's biggest flaw. Unlike Arty's own blind spot flaw -which we've discussed before is a consequence of his own selfishness- Opal's is her own arrogance. Even as she opens the lock, she assumes Arty will be the one to 'rue', not her. We'll find out soon enough.

Colfer's fairies have souls, which long for their own heaven. This is simply interesting to me because in my -albeit rather limited- studies in folklore and mythology, it was believed fairies are soulless, and therefore unable to reach heaven (read as: doomed to hell). That's probably mostly propaganda from the Church when they actively sought to out belief in fairies back in the day.

The narration style changes just a little when we're following Oro's point of view, taking on the tone and lilt of a traditional storyteller and it works.

Corpses plentiful on the Fowl Estate? My first thought is Family graveyard or the former Fowl empire's dumping ground?

The idea that ghosts of these possessed corpses are lamenting and probably even berating the Berserkers mistreating their bodies is funny to me. Morbid, perhaps, but funny nonetheless.

Awww, I love that No1 is so fond of Qwan that he pretends he still needs a mentor just to keep him around.

I have noticed the last few books that Holly never seems to have magic when she needs it, which on the one hand is good because it means Colfer has intentionally not relied on magic to save his characters, but on the other hand, I miss Holly at her best. So having No1 explain that her extensive physical traumas are making her leak magic and patching her up is a good move and totally reasonable. Because Holly does get the crap beat out of her a lot.

Short stories needed:

• All three of Holly and Trouble's disastrous dates
• Artemis & Foaly team up
• Artemis babysitting the twins while the Butler's get a sibling date while protecting the Fowl boys
• Foaly's day with his kids*
• A day in the life of No1
• A day in the life of No1: Moon edition
• Angeline meets Holly

*Starting to question this again. Back in The Atlantis Complex Foaly mentioned something about his kids, but there's been no mention of such creatures existing since. Am I crazy!?

And once again, Artemis Fowl is nearly killed because he still hasn't kept all those promises to get in shape!

Chapter 7: Lickety-Spit

Speaking of brawn vs brain, I love Mulch berating Artemis for always needing to be saved, rather than being able to fend for himself and his loved ones. Foreshadow as much as character trait?

Also, Mulch is ridiculously strong, guys, to haul Butler by his ankles with 'some effort'.

17% percent chance of survival, calculates Arty; they've survived greater odds before, according to him, but I'm curious as to which adventure that was.

When did Mulch become the voice of emotion reason, telling Arty to think with his heart and not with his head? Reminds me of another beloved gruff character. At any rate, more foreshadowing?

To be fair to Artemis, Mulch and Holly, none of this is really Artemis' fault. Not unless you want to blame him for posing as they only true foil to Opal over the last decade that you hold him directly responsible for the height of evil and megalomania she's managed to attain. And that seems like a lot to lay on his shoulders.

Chapter 8: Motley Crew

Finally! Colfer explains the Abominable Snowman and Bigfoot!

If I knew more Motely Crue songs, I might find a fitting one for this chapter. Alas.

That's it for this week, Fowl Fans. See you next Thursday!

May's reading schedule for The Last Guardian:

May 2: Chapters 1-4

May 9: Chapters 5-8

May 16: Chapters 9-12

May 30: Chapters 13-19

The Last Guardian | Ch 1-4 | Artemis Fowl Read Along

Before we begin, I feel I must warn you: I have only read this book once.

At the time I had very conflicted feelings about it -about the last three books of the series, in fact. But as I've since warmed up to The Time Paradox and The Atlantis Complex I hope, too, I'll come to better appreciate The Last Guardian.

So going in -I remember very little about this book (even less than I remember about The Time Paradox and, guys, I forgot about THE KISS) so some of my revelations will probably be old news to some.

We left Artemis in the clutches of Atlantis Complex and his own crippling guilt while Angeline rushes to his bedside and Holly and his other friends are already there.

Let's see what The Last Guardian has in store for us, shall we?

Prologue

Color me intrigued by Oro. I'm interested in this villain just after a page and a half.

I find it interesting how Eoin has delved into a 'black magic' side of the fairies. It gives a better sense of balance, I think, despite the Ritual. After all, no matter the rule, someone will find an advantageous way to break it.

Chapter 1: A Complex Situation

Artemis only truly relaxes after he's gotten the better of Dr. Argon, which definitely says something about my favorite juvenile genius' personality. But this session also provides an interesting parallel to Artemis' other therapy sessions with Dr. Po, back in The Arctic Incident. In that session so long ago, Artemis was dealing with any real psychological issues and Artemis toyed with Dr. Po rather mercilessly, even when the doctor correctly guessed that Artemis lacked decent respect for his fellows because they weren't as smart as he. While Artemis is far from the model patient this time around, he is certainly more respectful of Dr. Argon and, after the gnome relates his theory of relatedness regarding the residual magic on the Fowl Estate, Artemis even gifts the doctor with a cure for his aching hip. It's not all kindness, of course; Artemis has been working on the brace design for several sessions and only after listening to this theory does he decide to share it. So, still some of the same old Fowl under there. But still. Can't deny there's been improvement.

I love this revelation that the Fowls have been after fairy gold for centuries. I mean, obviously we figured Arty's trip back in time is what really triggered the gold hunt. But look back again. What first inspired Arty was a story book. One his father used to read to him. And then tell him how the character should have done it.

Yeah, I'm totally believing something magical is messing with the minds on the Fowl Estate.

I also suspect that this idea is going to come into serious play in the Artemis Fowl film. But we'll find out in just over 3 months!

I do like Arty's growing sympathy towards others, but it's best seen in the moment where he's taught Nopal to tap the glass, to prove she is sentient and intelligent.

"May the fours be with you."
Of course Foaly wouldn't let it go.
Also, I love Foaly, you guys.

Awww, Trouble is morphing into Julius? <3 <3 <3

Opal is one cold-hearted pixie, willing to kill her own your self. Dang.
...and here I thought Eoin had played with all the time warp stuff already.

Chapter 2: Killing the Past

Opal, knowing full well that she might actually erase herself from existence, has nevertheless taken the risk to kill her younger self in an effort to escape, which involves not only the real possibility of her own death but also being shoved into uranium pod in case she explodes.
That pixie is desperate.

Is it just me, or is The Last Guardian darker and more violent than its predecessors? It's not a bad thing -this is, after, not just a finale, but the final step in Artemis' development- but it certainly lends a differently feel to the story.
So far, I think it's working very well. Artemis -freshly cured of Atlantis Complex- is certainly very sensitive to the callous and cold-blooded kidnappers and, by extension, Opal herself. This is, I think, the farthest from Opal (personality-wise) that Artemis has ever been, since they have both veered in opposite directions and this darker story is serving to really highlight those differences before Artemis steps into the final act of his development. I'm keeping on eye on this as we move on.

Chapter 3: Fire & Brimstone

Opal has the blasted good fortune that her grandiose god complex realities somehow actually work. Most psychopaths who think they're destined to become the first Quantum Being by blowing themselves up and putting themselves back together don't usually succeed.

Chapter 4: Engineer Ozkopy Has the Last Word

And that he certainly does. May it haunt Opal for the duration of her inevitably short existence.


Tune in for the rest of the month for the hottest Artemis Fowl read along on the Internet!

May's reading schedule for The Last Guardian:

May 2: Chapters 1-4

May 9: Chapters 5-9

May 16: Chapters 10-13

May 30: Chapters 14-19

Production Hell: A Game For Long-Suffering Artemis Fowl Fans

Many moons ago, Artemis Fowl Confidential released their awesome I Survived the Wait t-shirts (which I love and own) and the sentiment was so funny and painfully true that I couldn't let it go. So I didn't. Eventually, it turned into a full-blown game idea and creating this ridiculous, magnificent, and totally obsessive board game is honestly one of the funnest and weirdest experiences of my life to date.

The goal of the game is to survive the wait until the premiere date without dying of old age or being driven insane.


It is, in my humble opinion, a fun way to relive the joys and frustrations that have been the last 18 years of the Artemis Fowl film's adventure in and out of Production Hell.

This is a free downloadable PDF (links at the bottom of the post). Take a peak!

The board is best printed on card stock to give it some heft. It can easily be glued down onto cardboard, poster board, or even a less deserving game's board. Some assembly is required; the board comes in four large pieces, with three smaller attachments (as seen below).

I hope you all have as much fun playing it as I did in making it!
My only request is that you spread it around for more of the Fowl community to enjoy.
Please share any photos on social media with me and/or use #AFProductionHell

Hopefully it amuses the rest of the Fowldom as much as it has amused me. Have fun!

Production Hell: Game Board
Production Hell: Instructions & Score Cards

The Skeptic's Guide to Enjoying the Artemis Fowl Movie Anyway

Disney's teaser poster for Artemis Fowl, release date August 19, 2019.

Hello, there! I would be the skeptic. That's me. Hi.

Like many people, I've been waiting almost two decades for this film, and most of that time was spent believing that it would never actually happen. But it is. Finally. And I've been skeptical since they published that bombshell of a casting announcement.

But something magical happened when I watched the teaser trailer and saw that movie poster. I wanted to love it. And even if in the end I don't love it, I at least want to enjoy the ride -the wait, the flurry of excitement over new tidbits, the anticipation of more trailers, the undeniable euphoria of finally getting an Artemis Fowl movie.

Right now isn't the time to be a sourpuss. Right now, it's time to believe. So here's a 8-step guide on how we can deal with our skepticism and enjoy the upcoming Artemis Fowl film in all its glory anyway.

Step 1: Be Disappointed -Then Move On

Branagh says Artemis won't be the villain, instead it's more of a hero origin story. Be disappointed. It's okay. I'm sure there isn't a Fowl fan out there who isn't disappointed in this, or some other aspect of the film, so let the disappointment settle in. Embrace it. And then move on. Either accept the movie for what it's going to be, rather than what you wish it would have been, or admit that you don't want it and walk away.

Step 2: Recognize That It Won't Be The Book

Very, very few books have ever translated their near-entirety to film adaptations, and Artemis Fowl will not be one of them; not because the filmmakers decided they could do better, but because a lot of the book's ideas won't transition well to film. These are two vastly different mediums with different audience expectations. So instead of moping about what the film won't be, get excited about how the film might translate the core elements that made the book awesome into a new adventure.

Step 3: Anticipate A Different Ending

Now, this is just my supposition; there's no evidence as yet that the ending will actually vary much from the book, BUT if Artemis is not going to be the outright villain of the piece, it makes sense another will have to emerge. And IF this is meant to be an origin story, there is the possibility that the film's story might not end with Artemis' kidnapping success, but instead with a situation that requires Artemis to somehow get involved with another conflict, emerging a more heroic figure.

Step 4: Keep An Open Mind

Okay, lots of people are saying this. It's easier said than done, I know, but remember that this movie is going to be a different creature entirely, and comparing it word-for-word to our beloved book is akin to apples and oranges. Plus, just remember that Eoin himself is so excited about many of the changes he's said (according to Branagh): "God I wish I'd thought of that...I'll put it into the book. I'll certainly put it in the reissue."

Step 5:  Treat It As A Stand-Alone Story, Rather Than A Potential Franchise

While it's not beyond the realm of possibility that, if successful, this could turn into Disney's next franchise, they're not going to plan on it from the get-go and leave this film open-ended. This is going to be a self-contained, complete story, which probably means it will borrow a lot of elements from later books, maybe specifically concerning Artemis' character arc, in order to deliver that 'emotional satisfaction and delivery' Branagh assures us. It will improve the quality if we judge the film on its own merit, rather than against the lost potential for as-yet non-existent sequels.

Step 6: Confront Your Skepticism

You have two choices.
Decide if you want to be a skeptic, nitpicking details for a thing we have waited nearly two decades for, because after all the waiting, we deserve perfection, right!?
Or decide if you want to enjoy every thrilling moment and development of this Impossibility. Because the Artemis Fowl film was an impossibility. It was an 'almost', a 'could have been', an 'if only'. And now it's an 'almost here', a 'will be' -but our if we keep holding onto our skepticism, it will continue to remain an 'if only.'
Most movies don't rise like a phoenix out of the ashes of 17 years in Prodcution Hell, but ours did.
Our Artemis Fowl film has already defied the odds once. Are we going to tame our skepticism to see if it will do it again?

Step 7: Watch this trailer breakdown from Artemis Fowl Confidential, because it will remind you WE'RE FINALLY GETTING A MOVIE, D'ARVIT!!!

Good or bad, love it or hate it, we can't escape the fact that we're getting a movie, an actual, real-life, live-action, BIG BUDGET movie, with all the bells and whistles, and a crew that -especially from this interview (and also this one) with Kenneth Branagh- obviously loves and respects the books and Eoin Colfer for writing them. Just like us. ^_^

8. Get Excited

Whether in the end we love the movie, tolerate it, shrug it off, or despise it, we're still getting an Artemis Fowl movie -and this new incarnation is bound to introduce the series to new generations, young and old. The Artemis Fowl fandom is about to get much, much bigger. And that is a very good thing.

Right now, I can mention Artemis Fowl on a whim and only a handful of people ever know what I'm talking about. But just imagine this time next year: Artemis Fowl could be a household name.

Want to reread the series before the film?

Join my Artemis Fowl Read Along!

Of Respect and Rescues | Arctic Incident Ch 11-14 | #AFReadAlong

Join in the Artemis Fowl Read Along!

Leave your name and one or more of your social media sites on this spreadsheet to let everyone know you're participating!

WE HAVE A TEASER TRAILER!!!!

Chapters 11-14 Commentary:

"Artemis applied pressure to the pack. His fingers were quickly submerged in a pool of blood. Suddenly the desire to pass a smart remark completely deserted." Wake up call for Arty! I love this moment for several reasons. 1) It is one of the few times Artemis is ever at a loss for words; 2) Artemis is once again way, way out of his comfort zone; 3) This is another moment when he is thrust into someone else's shoes. While not exactly their 'comfort zone', it's obvious that Holly, Root, and even Butler have had frequent experience in these kinds of situations. Which means Artemis is getting a taste for what their skills are -despite the lack of a genius IQ- and he might even be gaining some, dare we say, respect for his companions?

"Holly grinned. And for a second her expression reminded the manservant of Artemis Fowl." Despite their differences and, at this point, dislike for one another, it's fun to see how many similarities Holly and Artemis actually share.

We need to take a moment to truly appreciate our favorite kleptomaniac dwarf. Because what does he do to 'lie low' and enjoy his newfound freedom? He takes up a pastime. Just a little hobby. Of stealing Oscar statues. I adore the Grouch.

Root knew he was being goaded, but he blew his top anyway. Which, let's face it, Fowl fans, is one of the reasons we love Julius Root.

If ever you are asked who is the smarter fairy, Opal Koboi or Foaly the Centaur -just remember that when Opal had every advantage, every technological marvel at her fingertips you can imagine, and Haven City and the LEP at her mercy -Foaly beat her with nothing more than a human's laptop computer.

Artemis smiled, fascinated. Commander Root was smarter than he looked. Just another moment of Artemis showing -maybe not respect quite yet- but a little admiration for another person. Of course, then his arrogant face has to add: Then again, it would be impossible not to be.

Artemis isn't the only one learning some unexpected respect. Over in the siege of Police Plaza, Captain Trouble Kelp is admiring the new and improved Briar Cudgeon, spine transplant and all. Or, you could say, hook, line, and sinker.

I will also point out that this is the first and only time that our favorite characters get to plot and work as a team: Artemis, Butler, Mulch, Holly, and Root.

Artemis did not like this sudden turn of events. Running, jumping, injury, okay. But sewage? Now we know where Arty's true priorities lie.

"Don't think I'm getting chummy, or anything. It's just when I give my word, I stick to it." I love this little exchange between Holly and Artemis, because it really illustrates the differences between them. Holly gives Arty a little encouragement, something she'd say to anyone, but Artemis isn't used to working as a team or having people encourage him -and certainly not words of encouragement from someone he's kidnapped in the not-so-distant past.
Artemis decided not to respond. He'd already been punched once today.

Butler's eyes narrowed. "Unless what?"
Artemis smiled his dangerous smile. "Unless I have an idea."

There was more to this heroism thing than rushing in blindly. I love that Artemis isn't quite so clever with heroic plans as he is with devious schemes, because it's like a muscle he hasn't used and a skill he has yet to master.

"...And nobody can get in here to stop me."
Of course, you should never say something like that, especially when you're an arch villain. It's just asking for trouble.
There are some moments in fiction, some lines, some quips, that just hit you and stick with you. This is one of them. The first time I read it, I laughed out loud for way too long, but the way Eoin uses his narrator to poke fun at tropes and cliches is one of my favorite things about his writing, and he is in good form in The Arctic Incident.

And while this door was tested for plasma dispersion and moderate physical resistance, it was certainly not Butler-proof. It crumpled like tinfoil. I DECLARE A MOTION TO MAKE 'BUTLER-PROOF' AN OFFICIAL TERM.

Artemis' phone rang.
This. THIS is the perfect way to finish off the conflict. It's a simple, unexpected, anticlimactic event that somehow manages to be a comical, ultimate climax. Bravo, Eoin; bravo.

Had he done the right thing? What if the hydrosion shell had penetrated? How could he ever face his mother again? I love Artemis riddled with self-doubt. On the one hand, it could be said I have an unhealthy love of character torture; on the other, this is proof right here that -despite evidence to the contrary- Artemis is very, very human: warm-blooded, heart of flesh, just as capable of heartbreak and love as the rest of us.

"To remind you that deep beneath the layers of of deviousness, you have a spark of decency. Perhaps you could blow on the spark occasionally."
The epilogues are gold at the end of this rainbow. From Artemis' rambling apology/admiration for Holly, to Holly's gift of shooting a gold coin in its exact center, to the final paragraphs which I have to quote in full because I love them so blasted much:

Artemis thought of his father, lying in a Helsinki hospital bed, of Captain Holly Short, risking her life to help him, and, of course, Butler, without whom he would have never made it out of Koboi Laboratories. He looked up, and found Dr. Po smiling at him."Well, young man, have you found anyone worthy of your respect?"Artemis smiled back. "Yes," he said. "I believe I have."

And that finishes off The Arctic Incident! Thanks so much for joining me, but don't go anywhere. December we start The Eternity Code and, while I know the series is 8 book longs, I can't help but think of these first three as the holy trinity, the standard by which all other Fowl books must be measured. On December 6th, we'll be discussing Chapters 1-3, so keep on eye on my blog and on my Facebook page.

#FowlDay Challenges of the week:

• Share your favorite element of The Arctic Incident. There's a lot to love in this book, but what would you consider the absolute best thing about it? Personally, I consider that to be Artemis' development, specifically his learning to respect others even if their IQ is substantially lower than his.
• WATCH THE TRAILER!!! I mean, like me, you've probably already watching it a million times, but watch it again, and share your thoughts!

Of Puns and Hubris | Arctic Incident Ch 8-10 | #AFReadAlong

I hope everyone had a marvelous Thanksgiving! (and if you weren't celebrating, then I hope you had a marvelous Thursday.)

Now that the B'wa Kell uprising has been quelled a bit, let's talk The Arctic Incident, chapters 8-10. I may have mentioned that these chapters are some of my favorite bits of this book, but really, there some of my favorite moments in the entire series. I'm as a excited (and nervous!) about the movie as the next Fowl fun, but one reigning reason I want it to be good and successful is to get The Arctic Incident on screen.

Th B'wa Kell uprising? Foaly trapped in the Operations Booth by his own tech and his own hubris? Artemis and Holly catching the train and forced to rely on each other in the Arctic wasteland? This is the film I'd love to see, so I'm crossing my fingers hard that Disney doesn't screw up the chance at a film franchise. Please be kind to Artemis!

Chapters 8-10 Commentary:

Eoin Colfer, with chapter 8 right here, began my love affair with brilliantly punny chapter titles. For years, if I wrote a story, it's title or chapters absolutely had to be some kind of pun, and it's all because of Mr. Eoin Colfer. To Russia with Gloves? No Safe Haven? These simply couldn't be better. Come to think of it, since these chapter titles struck my funny bone at such an impressionable age, it's likely that Eoin Colfer is indirectly responsible for a good chunk of my sense of humor -namely corny jokes. Oh, corny jokes, how I love thee! So while my family may roll their eyes at my jokes, and my friends may groan, nothing makes me happier than the absolutely corniest of corny jokes and that is a big part of who I am.
They say the books you read growing up help you form your identity, so I guess that means I have Eoin Colfer to thank for my awesome sense of humor. So thanks, Eoin. ^_^

"So what happened to you?" -I love this moment. Holly, on the way to rescue the head of a criminal empire and the father of the boy who kidnapped her, as a legitimate reason to be concerned Artemis Fowl I will be an even worse enemy than his son. Artemis, however, assured Holly that the People have nothing to fear from his father, who is a noble man, and would never dream of harming another creature. Holly's bluntness has got to hit Artemis hard; while he's already hinted about his 'misgivings over that particular venture', I wonder if Dr. Po's voice isn't bouncing around his brain in this moment: "You are never going to find peace if you continue to run from your problems." And Artemis here says what I'm not sure he's had the guts to outright say before. "I...I made a mistake."
Have I mentioned how much I freaking love this book?!

Speaking of Dr. Po...as Artemis and Holly dash for the Mayak Chemical Train with Butler and Root's lives in their hands, I imagine Artemis is getting a cold and heavy dose of respect for what Butler and Holly do on a regular basis when he's thrown into their shoes.

"These were not gripping fingers. ... Which, fortunately, was all part of the plan." I do love, that for Artemis, even weaknesses are valuable assets to be exploited. It's a good trait -when not used for evil, obviously- and one of the reasons I think Artemis is so clever.

This whole train sequence is one of my favorites for several reasons. Artemis is thrown so far out of his comfort zone it's laughable; amusing for those of us who want to see Artemis dropped down a few pegs and empowering to those of us who want to see Artemis develop in a positive way, and a double bonus for those of us who want both. ^_^ 
It's also the first time Artemis and Holly are forced to not only work together, but to rely on and trust one another, and it's interesting to note (I think) that there's no time for either to second guess or really doubt the other, since the immediate safety of their most important friends always no time for bickering and argument. True to Argon's prologue commentary "...it was probably the best thing that could have happened to [Artemis]."

Let's switch keys here, because I'm a little miffed at the US publishers right now. I have mostly listened to the Artemis Fowl books, as narrated by Nathaniel Parker, and have only just discovered there are some glaring and some rather inconsequential (read as: pointless) differences between my copies and the UK versions. Differences of terminology, sure, but also some rearranging of paragraphs -which I get as an editing thing, but seems pointless to change from one version to another- but my US version completely removed the background on centaurs being an endangered race and on the Centaurian language. All of it, the joke about centaurs tramping their enemies underfoot, about how centaurs are naturally paranoid due to their endangered existence. I'm just a bit miffed about it, because while it might be inconsequential to the immediate story -well, except that whole paranoia thing- it's a valuable piece of worldbuilding.
Okay. Rant over.

Which brings us to: the irony of Foaly's imprisonment. Honestly, half this plot is built on irony, and I absolutely love it. Not only do Artemis the kidnapper and Holly the kidnappee have to work together to foil a kidnapping, but Foaly is imprisoned due to his two great weaknesses: his paranoia and his hubris. To make it worse, his fall comes through his own technology. 
But it's not all bad; there's one silver lining, at least: "Even with the odds so hugely against him, he hadn't lost his ability to be the most annoying creature under the world when he wanted to be."
Of course, I don't know how that will help Foaly's current situation....

I will leave you here, with Foaly trapped, Police Plaza under attack, and Artemis, Holly, Root, and Butler on their way to rescue the elements, after quick pit stop to grab a certain reprobate dwarf...

Next week we'll cover the last of The Arctic Incident, chapters 11-epilogue. I'll see you here!

Of Mud Men and Bargains | Arctic Incident Ch 4-7 | #AFReadAlong

Welcome back! Today we're discussing chapters 4-7 of Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident.

Strap in. ^_^

Summary:

Artemis Fowl awakes in a rather traditional-looking interrogation room in the Lower Elements, but questioning doesn't go quite as he expects, when Foaly the centaur appears with a stranger plunger device that knocks him back into unconsciousness. While Foaly uses his amazing! and astounding! tech to decipher whether Artemis has ever seen goblins or soft-nose lasers, Captain Holly Short and Commander Root are not terribly impressed with his accomplishments, prodding him on how that pixie Koboi -the head of Koboi Laboratories and target of B'wa Kell vengeance- is 'one pretty sharp female.' Foaly -as all brilliant egotistical inventors- does not take kindly to comparison with his competition and insists, not for the first time, that letting any one company have all the LEP's business isn't a good idea; "...if those labs go under, all we'd have are the DNA cannons in Police Plaza and a few cases of electric stun guns." Besides, Opal Koboi is not stable. 

Artemis is cleared of involvement with the B'wa Kell but, despite Holly's insistence that the boy could become an even bigger problem than the goblins and their building war against the LEP, Root knows that the humans' skills would be invaluable in tracking down the mysterious battery-seller. Artemis, of course, won't do nothing for nothing, and he strikes a deal with the fairies to help them if they will assist him in attempting to rescue his father.

Meanwhile, we're taken into the heart of Koboi Laboratories and their special weapons permits and DNA cannons, all meant to protect them from the B'wa Kell and to protect by extension the LEP's own weapons and security, all chipped with Koboi technology. Of course, this is when we learn that Opal Koboi really isn't stable. She is, in fact, one of the masterminds behind the B'wa Kell uprising, all in an effort to obtain the power of the monarchs, which hasn't been held by any fairy in centuries. Her partner-in-crime is none other than the demoted and humiliated Briar Cudgeon, former erstwhile friend of Julius Root, a backstabber with a vendetta, and he's a little touchy on the subject of his deformed face. Together, Koboi and Cudgeon plot how best to foil the LEP's search for the B'wa Kell mastermind, and how best to use their human slave, Luc Carrere...

Holly Short is the lucky fairy assigned to escort the humans to Paris, to track down a specific human identified from one of their goblin prisoners (thanks to Foaly's amazing! and astounding! tech). The unlikely trio have something close to civil conversation as Artemis gathers information on Russia before Holly pilots them through the chutes, scaring them just enough to make her smile. In Paris, their on their own; magma flares are acting up and disrupting fairy communications. Butler doesn't need much help, though; it doesn't take him long to find Luc Carrere and even less time to confront him. Unfortunately, the greedy French P.I. has already been given instructions; Cudgeon has mesmerized Carrere to expect someone asking after the batteries and when they arrive to 'take their picture' -with the barrel of a softnose laser. Butler uses the only tool on hand -the Safteynet, a prototype of Foaly's to suppress laser fire but not quite big enough to protect Butler's frame, let alone another human. Luckily, Butler is brains as well as brawn; he uses the Safteynet to suppress the laser itself, saving both their lives. And in the aftermath, Butler uses a old trick to determine just how much Carrere knows about the People and the answer: nothing.

Underground again, Root is relieved the People are safe from the human threat. Artemis isn't convinced; everything went just a little too smoothly. But he's done his part, and Foaly has managed to trace the untraceable email from Russia. They have a name: Mikhael Vassikin. Vassikin works for a syndicate of the Mafiya who make most of their money kidnapping European businessman -none of whom ever survive.

While Artemis plots in earnest, Cudgeon and Koboi decide to send a welcoming party of their own to Russia. A B'wa Kell hit squad, with Julius Root's name at the top of their docket.

And despite all the tension of upcoming rescues, tangling with Mafiya, and the B'wa Kell uprising, Captain Holly Short still manages to find joy in the simple things in life: like managing to frighten a seven-foot tall Mud Man with a tiny spray can of anti-radiation foam and its unique bouquet of 'hermit dwarf'.

Commentary:

"Okay, Mud Boy," said the figure. "Just relax and this might not hurt too much." -Can we appreciate Foaly's terrible bedside manner, please? There are many things I love about this centaur, and all his lip is definitely the biggest, especially when it winds him in trouble.

Let the record show the momentous occasion that takes place in this chapter: the first official meeting of Artemis Fowl and Foaly the Centaur, two genii a little too smart for their own good.

Personally, I love that Briar Cudgeon returns in this sequel as the villain. It's such a classic move, disgruntled-turned-villainous. Sometimes though, I wonder if things would have gone differently for Opal down the road, if Cudgeon hadn't instigated her turn to actual villainy?

Holly grinned tightly. "There's so much irony here I could write a poem. The kidnapper asking for help with a kidnapping." And asking his former kidnappee, no less! Have you no shame, Artemis?

Speaking of shame... I apparently can't leave Artemis and his development alone. He tells Holly about the kidnapping "Sometimes plans don't translate smoothly from paper to real life." while cleaning non-existent dirt from under his perfectly manicured nails, with previous mentions about 'harboring some doubts' about that specific venture and 'can't we wipe the slate clean?' Artemis obviously wants, if not forgiveness, than at least to put his past behind them all, but this is terribly unfair since he won't recognize his own faults about kidnapping Holly in the first place. Which is even more interesting when you link it back to Dr. Po's diagnosis, that Artemis doesn't respect anyone else enough to treat them as equals and he won't find peace if he keeps running away from his problems.
I love characters. ^_^

"No," she growled, "we wouldn't want him getting a fright." Every little defiance on Holly's part is such sweet revenge -and well deserved too. Better watch your back, Arty; Holly's not one to mess with.

And as we opened with Foaly, it seems only right we close with him, as well.
...decided to get right to the point.
"Very well, Mud Man. Keep your hair on."
Well, almost directly to the point.

The humor in these books is always so on point, guys. I love them so much.

#FowlDay Challenges

You're mission, should you choose to accept it, is to join in the discussion or all around good time fan party that is the Artemis Fowl Read Along by completing one or more of these tasks:

• Share some of your own commentary of Chapters 4-7 with me!
• Share your favorite quote from this week's reading.
• Compile an Artemis Fowl music playlist (this will be a continual challenge throughout the Read Along, but keep me updated on song choices!)

Join in next week as we tackle chapter 8-10 -and some of my favorite scenes of The Arctic Incident.

Top 5 Child Prodigies in Literature | #AFReadAlong

Today's post is part of my Artemis Fowl Read Along; if you haven't joined yet, you should!

Artemis  Fowl

from Eoin Colfer's Artemis Fowl series

How does one describe Artemis Fowl?

How indeed. Before Artemis is even out of his teens he's done the impossible a dozen times over: proving the existence of fairies just to hold one for a gold ransom, going toe to toe with the Russian mafia and the Chicago mob, rediscovering a lost civilization, cracking an ancient and unknown language all on his own, grappling with the most brilliant minds on and under the planet -including his own- and scheming some of the most audacious, ludicrously rewarding, and incredible heists and plots the world had ever seen.

Artemis is impossible not to love, even if I occasionally want to strangle him. He's cool and calculating, amusingly arrogant, and oh so, so clever. What I love most about Artemis is watching his fantastic development through the series; his growth is slow, almost grudging, but immensely rewarding and heart warming. Watching him lock horns with his outside influences -especially Holly Short- as he struggles between his conscience and his moral ambiguity is what story gold is made of.

Conor Broekhart

from Airman by Eoin Colfer

Conor was born with an obsession for flight -perhaps because he was born in the air while his parents were dodging bullets in a hot air balloon at the World's Fair, 1878. Conor was also born with his mother's scientific brains, which he turns to the purpose of designing a flying machine. What I love most about Conor is the fact that he's a dreamer, his head stuck in the clouds, and his great intellect is determined to keep it there. And when his world turns upside down and everyone turns against him, his dreams and his genius become his refuge, keeping him sane and alive.

Ender Wiggin

from Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

Ah, Ender. Poor, brilliant Ender. The greatest strategical genius the world had ever seen, and he was bred for just that purpose. Which is what makes Ender so interesting. Even while he's outplanning, outthinking, and outsmarting every other older and bigger team at Battle School, he finds joy and fun in it but struggles too with the fact that this is his entire purpose -that this is the sole reason he was born. 

Ender is the smartest person in any given room, but what I love most about him are his moral complexities in the midst of an intergalactic war and his very simple, very human desire to be liked and loved for who he is -rather than feared and revered as the leader he's meant to be. For as smart as Ender is, he is still young, an innocence we see slowly stripped away as he is tailored and tweaked by his puppeteers into the military leader Earth needs to survive -and someone heartbreaking and beautiful they weren't quite expecting.

Damian Wayne

from DC Comics, character created by Grant Morrison

Much like Ender, Damian was bred and raised for a single purpose: to become the greatest of military leaders and save the world. At least, 'saved' by the standards of Ra's al Ghul and his League of Assassins -which isn't a good thing.

Damian is brilliant, cheeky, and arrogant; he's also brutal and a touch homicidal thanks to his twisted upbringing. One of the things I love most about this 10-year-old is how hard he fights for the world to take him seriously -specifically his Robin predecessors- and how it really boils down to wanting to prove his worth to one person and one person alone -his father, who reached into the pit of death, darkness, and destruction that Damian was raised in and tried to shed a little light and moral justice in his son's life. And the other thing I love about Damian is this moral struggle, this epic battle where nature vs nurture have drawn battle lines in his very soul.

What is it with me and morally conflicted child prodigies?

Calvin

from Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson

Of course, no Child Prodigy list would be complete without everyone's favorite cartoon trouble-maker. His genius takes many, many different forms -snowmen, insanely sophisticated make-believe often of a scientific nature, and deep philosophical discussions- but isn't always evident -BATS AREN'T BUGS! and that most of his attempts at ducking school or homework could have been better planned out. So while Calvin isn't perhaps a well-rounded genius, he isn't your ordinary six-year-old either. What I love most about Calvin is the balance in him between the vivid imagination and joy of childhood with the (at times) very mature contemplations on humanity and the state of the world. But seriously, more massive snowman escapades and Spaceman Spiff, please.

Child prodigies are rare gems in literature -hard to get right, but perfect when mastered. I'm always on the lookout for more interesting ones, so come on; spill:

Who are some of your favorite child prodigies?

#AFReadAlong | Artemis Fowl

Let's get this party started! Welcome to the beginning of the Artemis Fowl Read Along. This month, we're reading book 1. Check out the reading schedule below:

ARTEMIS FOWL | October 1 - October 31

• 10/1 - 10/6: Prologue-Chapter 3
• 10/7 - 10/13: Chapter 4-5
• 10/14 - 10/20: Chapter 6-7
• 10/21 - 10/27: Chapter 8-Epilogue
• 10/28 - 10/31: Post review, recap, and/or reaction; recreate a favorite moment for #FowlDay in any artistic medium!

I want to see your reading updates! Use the hashtag #AFReadAlong (no spoilers, please). What kind of updates, you ask? Here's some ideas.

Photos!

Post pics of the book, where you are in the book, you reading the book, you hiding behind the book, or the book with your pet (those are always popular).

Favorite quotes!

These I definitely want to see. If I know you're favorite quotes, I'll have a better idea of what to use for some handmade giveaway items. ;)

Reactions or reread revelations!

Having feels or awesome observation about the book? TELL ME ABOUT IT.

HEAD CANONS!
I love canons -and probably accept far, far too many of them. So if you have thoughts about what the characters do in their off-hours or what made them the way they are, I want to know!

Don't forget to check back here or on my social medias for #FowlDay on Thursday. I've got some fun activities lined up, a special blog post about my Favorite Child Prodigies, and there will be a live chat happening on Twitter and Facebook at 12pm!

Want to join the #AFReadAlong?
SIGN UP HERE

#FowlDay Icebreakers | #AFReadAlong

Who's excited to kick off the Artemis Fowl Read Along next week? I mean, besides me.

Today's #FowlDay activities will be Icebreakers, something to get us a little better acquainted with each other and to our individual relationships with Artemis Fowl.

Share your responses with the hashtag #FowlDay on your blog or choice of social media!
Don't miss these live events coming up today:

Activity #1: Icebreaker Survey

1) What country are you from?
2) How many times have you read the Artemis Fowl series?
2b) If you've read the series before, what's your favorite book? (If you haven't, this will be in the closing survey too!)
Not 2b) What's your current favorite book (besides Artemis Fowl)?
4) Will you see the Artemis Fowl film opening weekend, weeks later, or wait for the DVD?
5) Share a random fun fact about yourself!

Activity #2: Reading in the Lap of Luxury

Artemis Fowl II is a rich kid. We're talking millions. Imagine those millions are yours and deck out your dream reading spot in the lap of ultimate luxury. I want details, paint colors, and -if possible- ALL OF THE PICTURES of the coziest reading spot of your dreams.

The Artemis Fowl Read Along officially begins Oct 1 with the first Artemis Fowl book.

SIGN UP HERE

I can't wait to get things started!