Harma-Geddon's Comin' | TLG Ch 5-8 | Artemis Fowl Read Along

For anyone who hasn't heard yet, the Artemis Fowl film has been delayed until May 2020. While frustrating, all indications are this is a good move, as this is potentially a better release slot for it to break out as a commercial success. There are also indications that some re-shooting is happening, though how extensive they are is unclear; the reason for the delay is officially the Disney/Fox merger.

We've waited 18 years already to see this favorite book hit the big screen, so one more year isn't the end of the world. I do feel the need to point out however, that I have been waiting to see this film for more than half of my life. Please make it worth the wait, Disney.

With that out of the way, let's get this week's Fowl Day post!

Chapter 5: Harma-Geddon

Don't worry, Juliet; the wait won't be long. In just over a year the world get a load of Myles Fowl, and Beckett, too. I can't wait to see what happens then.

Chapter 6: Rise, My Beauties

Artemis is trying to plot on his way to save the twins, but there are certain scenarios he can't face, and pushes those to the back of his mind. And while he can't stomach the thought of his brothers harmed, he already knows revenge will be his if they are.
While Artemis hasn't been a stranger to 'revenge' or dishing out some just desserts in the past, this one certainly seems and feels much darker, in keeping with the overall grittier feel of this book so far. One direction or another, The Last Guardian will be the final step in Artemis' development.

This is also an interesting foil to Arty's blind spot when it comes to things he doesn't care about. We've seen it several times over the series, most notably in The Eternity Code when his Cube almost alerts Jon Spiro to the People because Artemis was careless about not disconnecting it form LEP probes. That one slip up almost cost the People everything, because Artemis was blinded by his own greed and selfish desires. Now, Artemis is faced with the possibility of losing his loved ones, something too horrible for him to even contemplate, resulting in a similar blind spot, this one born of emotional weakness, rather than pure selfishness.

Will this 'Poppy' nickname come back as something important later? It's possible this is just a piece of worldbuilding that hasn't made it into the series until now, but it seems rather significant suddenly dropped that for some unknown reason all the females in Holly's family have the nickname 'Poppy'. Curiosity = piqued.

Foaly's Universal Law of Maximum Doo-Doo Displacement is a must know for all beings attempting to function in society.

This medieval couplet about the locks is very revealing about Opal's biggest flaw. Unlike Arty's own blind spot flaw -which we've discussed before is a consequence of his own selfishness- Opal's is her own arrogance. Even as she opens the lock, she assumes Arty will be the one to 'rue', not her. We'll find out soon enough.

Colfer's fairies have souls, which long for their own heaven. This is simply interesting to me because in my -albeit rather limited- studies in folklore and mythology, it was believed fairies are soulless, and therefore unable to reach heaven (read as: doomed to hell). That's probably mostly propaganda from the Church when they actively sought to out belief in fairies back in the day.

The narration style changes just a little when we're following Oro's point of view, taking on the tone and lilt of a traditional storyteller and it works.

Corpses plentiful on the Fowl Estate? My first thought is Family graveyard or the former Fowl empire's dumping ground?

The idea that ghosts of these possessed corpses are lamenting and probably even berating the Berserkers mistreating their bodies is funny to me. Morbid, perhaps, but funny nonetheless.

Awww, I love that No1 is so fond of Qwan that he pretends he still needs a mentor just to keep him around.

I have noticed the last few books that Holly never seems to have magic when she needs it, which on the one hand is good because it means Colfer has intentionally not relied on magic to save his characters, but on the other hand, I miss Holly at her best. So having No1 explain that her extensive physical traumas are making her leak magic and patching her up is a good move and totally reasonable. Because Holly does get the crap beat out of her a lot.

Short stories needed:

• All three of Holly and Trouble's disastrous dates
• Artemis & Foaly team up
• Artemis babysitting the twins while the Butler's get a sibling date while protecting the Fowl boys
• Foaly's day with his kids*
• A day in the life of No1
• A day in the life of No1: Moon edition
• Angeline meets Holly

*Starting to question this again. Back in The Atlantis Complex Foaly mentioned something about his kids, but there's been no mention of such creatures existing since. Am I crazy!?

And once again, Artemis Fowl is nearly killed because he still hasn't kept all those promises to get in shape!

Chapter 7: Lickety-Spit

Speaking of brawn vs brain, I love Mulch berating Artemis for always needing to be saved, rather than being able to fend for himself and his loved ones. Foreshadow as much as character trait?

Also, Mulch is ridiculously strong, guys, to haul Butler by his ankles with 'some effort'.

17% percent chance of survival, calculates Arty; they've survived greater odds before, according to him, but I'm curious as to which adventure that was.

When did Mulch become the voice of emotion reason, telling Arty to think with his heart and not with his head? Reminds me of another beloved gruff character. At any rate, more foreshadowing?

To be fair to Artemis, Mulch and Holly, none of this is really Artemis' fault. Not unless you want to blame him for posing as they only true foil to Opal over the last decade that you hold him directly responsible for the height of evil and megalomania she's managed to attain. And that seems like a lot to lay on his shoulders.

Chapter 8: Motley Crew

Finally! Colfer explains the Abominable Snowman and Bigfoot!

If I knew more Motely Crue songs, I might find a fitting one for this chapter. Alas.

That's it for this week, Fowl Fans. See you next Thursday!

May's reading schedule for The Last Guardian:

May 2: Chapters 1-4

May 9: Chapters 5-8

May 16: Chapters 9-12

May 30: Chapters 13-19

Production Hell: A Game For Long-Suffering Artemis Fowl Fans

Many moons ago, Artemis Fowl Confidential released their awesome I Survived the Wait t-shirts (which I love and own) and the sentiment was so funny and painfully true that I couldn't let it go. So I didn't. Eventually, it turned into a full-blown game idea and creating this ridiculous, magnificent, and totally obsessive board game is honestly one of the funnest and weirdest experiences of my life to date.

The goal of the game is to survive the wait until the premiere date without dying of old age or being driven insane.


It is, in my humble opinion, a fun way to relive the joys and frustrations that have been the last 18 years of the Artemis Fowl film's adventure in and out of Production Hell.

This is a free downloadable PDF (links at the bottom of the post). Take a peak!

The board is best printed on card stock to give it some heft. It can easily be glued down onto cardboard, poster board, or even a less deserving game's board. Some assembly is required; the board comes in four large pieces, with three smaller attachments (as seen below).

I hope you all have as much fun playing it as I did in making it!
My only request is that you spread it around for more of the Fowl community to enjoy.
Please share any photos on social media with me and/or use #AFProductionHell

Hopefully it amuses the rest of the Fowldom as much as it has amused me. Have fun!

Production Hell: Game Board
Production Hell: Instructions & Score Cards

Complex, Atlantis | TAC Ch 7-9 | Artemis Fowl Read Along

Welcome back to the hottest Fowl party on the Internet! Thanks for joining me again. My apologies for last week -between unexpected family visits and a comic convention, things got pretty crazy up in here, but I'm glad you're back!

Today I have a special bonus prize for all my Read Along readers (or anyone else who finds this post). I've designed a board game with a very, very specific niche audience in mind -you and me!
Check out Production Hell: A Game for Long-Suffering Artemis Fowl Fans. This is a free downloadable PDF, just a silly idea I knew I had to do. The game is a fun way to relive the highs and lows that have been the last 18 years of the Artemis Fowl's films adventure in and out of Production Hell.

Chapter 7: How Do I Love Thee?

Throwback time!

Assuming Orion is everything Artemis is not (and vice versa, as we see when Orion later uses the Butler training Artemis is so content to ignore) we can extrapolate from Orion's spouting of 'women need only exude beauty and serve no other function' that Arty conversely believes the opposite, which rather proves he's got a helluva lot of respect for women and I love that. Admittedly, Arty is surrounded by some pretty awesomely strong women, between his mother, Holly, and Juliet. I'd be disappointed if Arty didn't respect and -when advisable- fear those amazing females.

One question: What exactly has Artemis been reading to fill Orion's head such 'princess', 'good beast,' 'secret birthmark' nonsense? We know from The Time Paradox that Arty's no stranger to Tolkien's works but -thankfully- they can't be blamed for such silliness.

Orion calls Artemis mean and nasty and wonders why Holly would want him back. If Orion is everything Artemis is not, but is still of Artemis' mind and Atlantis Complex is bred of guilt, is this Artemis' own perspective of himself, deep down, and something he wonders for himself?

Here I was thinking Turnball Root had a soft side, because look how much he loves Leonor -but nope, magically manipulating emotions is not love.

"Amazing what a person will do to avoid guilt..."
Here Colfer drew us a lovely comparison between brainwashed Vishby -who Turnball marvels at being able to live two lives existing side by side- and Artemis who's doing the same by of Orion.
THE RETURN OF THE JUXTAPOSITIONS!!!

Turnball obviously did not like Julius. There's really no secret made about that. Julius was his annoying, goody-two-shoes little brother who put him in prison. But his thoughts on Opal Koboi are also pretty clear. If anyone should be worrying about Koboi, the text tells us, it ought to be Turnball, because Koboi killed his little brother.

This more than anything in the book -even Leonor and their forbidden love, which I'll talk about later- is what makes Turnball the most interesting and complicated, I think, and it's a pity that we weren't able to explore this side of the story a little more.

Is Turnball merely annoyed at Koboi because he wanted to kill Julius? Is it a deeply ingrained honor thing, like the princes in Stardust, who needed to avenge their brother's murder by an outside force even though their way to become king was literally to kill each other and be the last left standing? Or was Julius, despite being the annoying little brother who put him in prison, still his brother, and no one messes with Turnball's family but him?

Chapter 8: Randomosity

"...sometimes people are not who they think they are," Angeline tells Artemis. Though this is a dig about his mesmerizing her after The Lost Colony, I like the unspoken side of this too.

Angeline has just tricked Artemis into promising to wear jeans and a T-shirt, which fills him with horror, when she uses this dig on him. We know from The Time Paradox that Artemis first began wearing bespoke suits to look professional taking over the family business after his father vanished. He was no longer a boy, no longer a child; he was the man of the house but, more importantly, the head of the business, and he dressed the part. Now that his father is back, their family nearly twice as big, and the criminal empire no more, Artemis might think he knows who he is, but Angeline is determined to make him a teenager and gain some of what he's lost.

Wait, Artemis has a hamster?
Granted, I should maybe be focusing on the fact the Beckett was caught chewing on the hamster's leg, or maybe that for three-year-olds, Myles and Beckett are both frighteningly smart and devious, but I seriously can't get away from this idea that Artemis has a pet and it's a hamster.

However, hearing Butler recount the exploits and hijinks of the twins definitely has me excited for the new book!

Chapter 9: Forbidden Love

Even seeing Leonor loved Turnball before he enthralled her with his magic doesn't make me any more empathetic toward him. Sorry, dude.

Let's just stop and fully appreciate that Artemis considers 'wow' a slang term. Just saying.

Mulch is about as sympathetic to Arty's mental disorder as one would expect.

Leonor's a pretty awesome woman, guys. An aviatrix of Earhart's caliber, a moral woman according to Turnball, certainly not stupid considering how fast she puts things together when the rune wears off; she's daring, brave, and confident. The worst thing she seems to have done is fallen in love with her dashing fairy savior, but let's focus on her last moments. She is far older than she has any right to be and frail; the Turnball has kept her under and submissive through has finally worn off and, if she doesn't recognize the full extent of that magic, she's close. She knows now why she never flew again, sees what Turnball did to her, and is now recognizing her husband for the villain he truly is, and she doesn't lose her cool. She doesn't weep over all her lost time or rage or even torn on Turnball. Instead, she kisses him goodbye and flies one last time, to save an entire hospital full of innocents, and toward a fiery death and a watery grave.

To Turnball's credit, he decides to dies with her. It's very little credit because, while it proves he loved her truly, it is still a selfish love. He certainly didn't do it to save the hospital nor did he come to regret any of his misdeeds. But no all villains get redemption stories, even if they do have true love's kiss.

Orion finally gets his moment to shine and, surprisingly, there's not a bivouac in sight.

"It's not that easy," Holly tells Artemis about letting his past and guilt go, "but you can do it with our help..."
Holly has been saying this since The Opal Deception, when she told Artemis he should let his family and friends start helping him. While he certainly delved into more moral practices after that, it can't truly be said he relied too much on his family and friends. And look what happened to you, Arty!

Even with its flaws, I do appreciate The Atlantis Complex especially for giving Artemis this latest (possibly last?) big push into true Hero territory. But I guess we'll find out soon.

Now, what does The Last Guardian have in store for us?

May's reading schedule for The Last Guardian:
May 2: Chapters 1-4
May 9: Chapters 5-9
May 16: Chapters 10-13
May 30: Chapters 14-19

And that, my friends, will be the end of the Artemis Fowl Read Along.

Don't forget to check out Production Hell: A Game for Long-Suffering Artemis Fowl Fans. It's my pride and joy, a free download and, dare I say, ridiculously fun.