Production Hell: A Game For Long-Suffering Artemis Fowl Fans

Many moons ago, Artemis Fowl Confidential released their awesome I Survived the Wait t-shirts (which I love and own) and the sentiment was so funny and painfully true that I couldn't let it go. So I didn't. Eventually, it turned into a full-blown game idea and creating this ridiculous, magnificent, and totally obsessive board game is honestly one of the funnest and weirdest experiences of my life to date.

The goal of the game is to survive the wait until the premiere date without dying of old age or being driven insane.


It is, in my humble opinion, a fun way to relive the joys and frustrations that have been the last 18 years of the Artemis Fowl film's adventure in and out of Production Hell.

This is a free downloadable PDF (links at the bottom of the post). Take a peak!

The board is best printed on card stock to give it some heft. It can easily be glued down onto cardboard, poster board, or even a less deserving game's board. Some assembly is required; the board comes in four large pieces, with three smaller attachments (as seen below).

I hope you all have as much fun playing it as I did in making it!
My only request is that you spread it around for more of the Fowl community to enjoy.
Please share any photos on social media with me and/or use #AFProductionHell

Hopefully it amuses the rest of the Fowldom as much as it has amused me. Have fun!

Production Hell: Game Board
Production Hell: Instructions & Score Cards

Complex, Atlantis | TAC Ch 7-9 | Artemis Fowl Read Along

Welcome back to the hottest Fowl party on the Internet! Thanks for joining me again. My apologies for last week -between unexpected family visits and a comic convention, things got pretty crazy up in here, but I'm glad you're back!

Today I have a special bonus prize for all my Read Along readers (or anyone else who finds this post). I've designed a board game with a very, very specific niche audience in mind -you and me!
Check out Production Hell: A Game for Long-Suffering Artemis Fowl Fans. This is a free downloadable PDF, just a silly idea I knew I had to do. The game is a fun way to relive the highs and lows that have been the last 18 years of the Artemis Fowl's films adventure in and out of Production Hell.

Chapter 7: How Do I Love Thee?

Throwback time!

Assuming Orion is everything Artemis is not (and vice versa, as we see when Orion later uses the Butler training Artemis is so content to ignore) we can extrapolate from Orion's spouting of 'women need only exude beauty and serve no other function' that Arty conversely believes the opposite, which rather proves he's got a helluva lot of respect for women and I love that. Admittedly, Arty is surrounded by some pretty awesomely strong women, between his mother, Holly, and Juliet. I'd be disappointed if Arty didn't respect and -when advisable- fear those amazing females.

One question: What exactly has Artemis been reading to fill Orion's head such 'princess', 'good beast,' 'secret birthmark' nonsense? We know from The Time Paradox that Arty's no stranger to Tolkien's works but -thankfully- they can't be blamed for such silliness.

Orion calls Artemis mean and nasty and wonders why Holly would want him back. If Orion is everything Artemis is not, but is still of Artemis' mind and Atlantis Complex is bred of guilt, is this Artemis' own perspective of himself, deep down, and something he wonders for himself?

Here I was thinking Turnball Root had a soft side, because look how much he loves Leonor -but nope, magically manipulating emotions is not love.

"Amazing what a person will do to avoid guilt..."
Here Colfer drew us a lovely comparison between brainwashed Vishby -who Turnball marvels at being able to live two lives existing side by side- and Artemis who's doing the same by of Orion.
THE RETURN OF THE JUXTAPOSITIONS!!!

Turnball obviously did not like Julius. There's really no secret made about that. Julius was his annoying, goody-two-shoes little brother who put him in prison. But his thoughts on Opal Koboi are also pretty clear. If anyone should be worrying about Koboi, the text tells us, it ought to be Turnball, because Koboi killed his little brother.

This more than anything in the book -even Leonor and their forbidden love, which I'll talk about later- is what makes Turnball the most interesting and complicated, I think, and it's a pity that we weren't able to explore this side of the story a little more.

Is Turnball merely annoyed at Koboi because he wanted to kill Julius? Is it a deeply ingrained honor thing, like the princes in Stardust, who needed to avenge their brother's murder by an outside force even though their way to become king was literally to kill each other and be the last left standing? Or was Julius, despite being the annoying little brother who put him in prison, still his brother, and no one messes with Turnball's family but him?

Chapter 8: Randomosity

"...sometimes people are not who they think they are," Angeline tells Artemis. Though this is a dig about his mesmerizing her after The Lost Colony, I like the unspoken side of this too.

Angeline has just tricked Artemis into promising to wear jeans and a T-shirt, which fills him with horror, when she uses this dig on him. We know from The Time Paradox that Artemis first began wearing bespoke suits to look professional taking over the family business after his father vanished. He was no longer a boy, no longer a child; he was the man of the house but, more importantly, the head of the business, and he dressed the part. Now that his father is back, their family nearly twice as big, and the criminal empire no more, Artemis might think he knows who he is, but Angeline is determined to make him a teenager and gain some of what he's lost.

Wait, Artemis has a hamster?
Granted, I should maybe be focusing on the fact the Beckett was caught chewing on the hamster's leg, or maybe that for three-year-olds, Myles and Beckett are both frighteningly smart and devious, but I seriously can't get away from this idea that Artemis has a pet and it's a hamster.

However, hearing Butler recount the exploits and hijinks of the twins definitely has me excited for the new book!

Chapter 9: Forbidden Love

Even seeing Leonor loved Turnball before he enthralled her with his magic doesn't make me any more empathetic toward him. Sorry, dude.

Let's just stop and fully appreciate that Artemis considers 'wow' a slang term. Just saying.

Mulch is about as sympathetic to Arty's mental disorder as one would expect.

Leonor's a pretty awesome woman, guys. An aviatrix of Earhart's caliber, a moral woman according to Turnball, certainly not stupid considering how fast she puts things together when the rune wears off; she's daring, brave, and confident. The worst thing she seems to have done is fallen in love with her dashing fairy savior, but let's focus on her last moments. She is far older than she has any right to be and frail; the Turnball has kept her under and submissive through has finally worn off and, if she doesn't recognize the full extent of that magic, she's close. She knows now why she never flew again, sees what Turnball did to her, and is now recognizing her husband for the villain he truly is, and she doesn't lose her cool. She doesn't weep over all her lost time or rage or even torn on Turnball. Instead, she kisses him goodbye and flies one last time, to save an entire hospital full of innocents, and toward a fiery death and a watery grave.

To Turnball's credit, he decides to dies with her. It's very little credit because, while it proves he loved her truly, it is still a selfish love. He certainly didn't do it to save the hospital nor did he come to regret any of his misdeeds. But no all villains get redemption stories, even if they do have true love's kiss.

Orion finally gets his moment to shine and, surprisingly, there's not a bivouac in sight.

"It's not that easy," Holly tells Artemis about letting his past and guilt go, "but you can do it with our help..."
Holly has been saying this since The Opal Deception, when she told Artemis he should let his family and friends start helping him. While he certainly delved into more moral practices after that, it can't truly be said he relied too much on his family and friends. And look what happened to you, Arty!

Even with its flaws, I do appreciate The Atlantis Complex especially for giving Artemis this latest (possibly last?) big push into true Hero territory. But I guess we'll find out soon.

Now, what does The Last Guardian have in store for us?

May's reading schedule for The Last Guardian:
May 2: Chapters 1-4
May 9: Chapters 5-9
May 16: Chapters 10-13
May 30: Chapters 14-19

And that, my friends, will be the end of the Artemis Fowl Read Along.

Don't forget to check out Production Hell: A Game for Long-Suffering Artemis Fowl Fans. It's my pride and joy, a free download and, dare I say, ridiculously fun.

Andre Price wins today's commentary | TAC Ch 4-6 | Artemis Fowl Read Along

Welcome back to the hottest Artemis Fowl-themed weekly celebration on the Internet!

Chapter 4: Floyd's Stag Night

Welcome back, Juliet! She FINALLY regains her memories of the fairies! YAY! It only took imminent death by mesmerized luchadore fans, but she finally remembers. Seriously, Juliet's is one of my favorites and her and Mulch are fantastic duo. I've missed her for the last four books.

Ummm... Can we talk about little Andre Price?

At 8 months, falling under a mesmer command gave him instantaneous understanding of Gnommish, which he retains fro the rest of his life. Interesting as this is -and as disturbing as is the picture of this tyke running over the heads of crazed wrestlers preforming a triplbe somersault, let's look at that last bit Colfer gives us in this mini biography of Andre Price: '...he could sometimes make twigs burst into flame if he thought about it hard enough."

Magic. Magic. After, say, half an hour under a very strong mesmer, this kid manages to work a little magic with no real understanding of it.

In the time stream, Artemis once noted how his human brain reacted to magic; it accepted the blue sparks readily, activating dormant parts of his brain, leading Artemis to believes that at one time humans possessed magic of their own.

This is HUGE and I have two big reactions to this.

First of all, this gives credence to my supposition that Angeline Fowl's frequent exposure to magic -especially mentally manipulative magic- is reactivating those same dormant parts of her brain and allowing her to recognize magic.

Second, Andre Price -fluent in Gnommish with a little ability to use magic- is only a few years younger than Myles and Beckett. Is Andre Price going to show up in the Fowl Twins series?!

Chapter 5: Onward & Outward

JULIUS ROOT'S WHAT NOW?!

I've lost track of how many times I've said this but there's a lot about these later books I've forgotten.

Like how utterly obnoxious Orion is. All Artemis' passion, but none of his boorishness? And he's a shameless flirt to boot! It's funny, don't get me wrong; but so obnoxious. Every time he swoon at Holly I want to punch him.

Although I love that Foaly's final judgment on Orion definitely not being Artemis is the fact that Orion can actually put together a decent pick up line. Especially after that icebreaker joke about ice breaking. Poor Arty...

When Orion's (only) idea is 'bivouac' it makes me realize this book will likely tells us whether the People have any hope of survival without Artemis Fowl.

When Holly is thought lost with the escape pod, Orion bemoans Artemis' loss and missed appreciation for Artemis not realizing what he had. As love struck as Orion is over Holly, it's Artemis' loss he's mourning. This is just interesting, especially considering Holly's observation that Orion has zero world experience; everything he's acting on is merely vicarious, including knowledge and emotions. As of yet, Orion really has no idea who he is, just that he isn't Artemis.

Chapter 6: Trimming the Weight

Turnball Root is Prisoner 42 and the question to that answer is 'How many roads must a man walk down?'

I despise Ark Sool. We've been over this ( I compared him to the devil, you might recall) but I also dislike that he became an out and out turncoat. Too black and white for my taste, I guess. I like when the unlikable commanders are still morally upright and justifiable characters, even if no one likes them. But that's just me.

The Eternity Code. The Opal Deception. The Atlantis Complex.

This is how many times Mulch Diggums took it upon himself to jump into the gang's adventures because he heard someone in the motley crew was in danger.

Butler and Juliet making fun of Artemis behind his back is gold, if you'll pardon the expression. Doctor Evil manuals and suction cups? Arty's loyal bodyguard just compared him to the likes of Dr. Horrible and Megamind and I love it.

April's reading schedule for The Atlantis Complex:

April 4: Chapters 1-3

April 11: Chapters 4-7

April 18: Chapters 8-Epilogue

April 25: Production Hell

Let's over-analyze Artemis' mental state! | TAC Ch 1-3 | Artemis Fowl Read Along

Welcome back to the hottest Artemis Fowl-themed weekly celebration on the Internet!

Prologue

My hearts starts swelling up as we're told Artemis' favorite book is the bedtime story he's never read himself, but that only his father read to him. That's so sentimental and so Princess Bride I can't help but love it!
-and then the sentimentality is shattered by that old family adage and his father's obsession with it: Aurm est Potestas.

Chapter 1: Cold Vibes

Artemis' birthday is September 1st. Just FYI. In case you didn't know that already.
What, me? No, no, of course I totally knew that already. I just thought, maybe if you didn't know...

'Left Foot Fowl' is undoubtedly an apt nickname, but what truly fascinates me is that Artemis somehow endeavored to endure this school bully's taunt for a whole week before he's finally had enough and buys out the kid's inheritance as way of payback.
It also makes me wonder when exactly this occurred on Arty's graph of slow character growth. I find it unlikely Artemis returned to St. Bartleby's after losing three years in Hybras (little hard to explain that, I'd think) but the fact that Artemis restrained himself from any petty revenge for a whole week bespeaks at least post-Arctic Incident, if not later.

Artemis intro by way of this terse and sharp conversation with the restaurant owner is great because, at first, I'm thinking "Whoa, Arty's reverting big time" and then "2 hours + third-rate equals five?! What deep end did you fall into?!"

By page 12, I already love superstitious Arty trying to 'appease the number gods' vs that part of Artemis that is utterly horrified by the insanity. I am so looking forward to more crazy Arty vs horrified Arty. Which is a very good thing, because the two other times I've read this book, I don't think I found it this entertaining.

Nice tells, Foaly; want to come over for a poker night?

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute-

FOALY'S GOT KIDS?!?!

As in, plural? As in colts and fillies? As in, somewhere along the line and all this craziness Foaly became a full-fledged father and we're just finding out about this NOW!??!

I mean, it was harsh enough finding out we -I mean, Holly- missed his wedding, but now Foaly's the head of a whole family and we missed that somewhere in between, too?

THE PROJECT and THE PRODUCT are obvious extremes of 'The Plan', sans our favorite scheming vampire smile. Instead, I think THE PROJECT gets a too-wide smile and crazy eyes to go along with it.

An icebreaker joke about ice breaking and it melts on arrival. Ahh, only Artemis could do that.

Artemis' brain tripping on Atlantis Complex guilt is one frighteningly entertaining place to be. Constant fear of the 'number gods' feels a little like Lovecraft's Elder Gods, but with Colfer's obvious comedic flare. Poor Arty. But he's sure entertaining when he's crazy, isn't he?

Chapter 2: The Jade Princess and Crazy Bear

'The screeching melodramas'. I'm laughing not because Artemis accused Butler of being melodramatic; oh no, Artemis can't just say that. He accuses his bodygaurd of having 'a touch of the screeching melodramas'.

Which brings me to two points:

1. How old was Artemis when he actually used the phrase 'screeching melodramas'?
2. Why have I not been using this term for years?

Hey. HEY! Stop the presses! Artemis is actually exercising? And making good on all those vows to become more physically active? Who are you and what have you done with the real Artemis Fowl?

Interesting... Butler noticed a distinct mood swing in Artemis after the lemur incident in Morocco, which means Artemis' symptoms began directly after the events of The Time Paradox. So that ending bit last week, of Artemis staring at the stars and feeling insignificant and depressed, and realizing that the sweet taste of victory wouldn't be coming? It was foreshadowing, baby! The beginning of the madness. And I am so okay with how weird that made me feel, leaving Arty in that emotionally vulnerable place, because it was all for the sake of character growth.

Ha! I feel like the dad in Calving and Hobbes; no matter how bad a project or event, it's all worth it in the end because 'it builds character!'

Wait, so is Artemis' newfound exercise routine with Butler another sign of Atlantis Complex? Bear with me; I've been teasing Arty every time he gets into a situation that requires physical dexterity and he vows he's start working out but then never actually follows through. That is, in short, a broken promise and a vow he doesn't keep. Which is something to feel guilty over. And the Atlantis Complex is triggered by guilt and, while I'm not saying his failure to exercise is what caused Arty's mental condition, it's obvious that Artemis is in full, windmill-tilting, damage control mode. He's overcompensating for all his guilty deeds by trying to single-handedly save the world and it could now be argued he's overcompensating for his guilt over not actually exercising because he's not just working out on a home gym, oh no, he's having Butler -Butler- teach him the arts.

THE RETURN OF JULIET!!! I've only been waiting for this for four books, guys.

Chapter 3: Orion Rising

Amber sparks? So I glean from this that as fairy's age, their sparks fade from blue to amber. I'm noticing quite a few lovely little nuggets of worldbuilding that I haven't noticed in the past. But this too means that Holly is getting old(er) and maybe starting to feel all those adventures catching up with her. Guys, if she says any variation of 'I'm getting to old for this' I'm going to lose it.

With Artemis down for the count and suffering a number of psychosis and Foaly on the brink, Holly's about to be the only sane member of this triumvirate. Poor Holly.

Foaly.

In the field.

Covering Holly's back.

With a gun.

Mr. Consultant teaming up with the maverick Captain to save the world side by side, not from the safety of Haven? This just made my day.

Ooh, ooh, am I about to get the Arty/Foaly team up I've been waiting for?

To Holly, Orion's eyes 'seem softer somehow' and this presents an interesting thought:

Orion = soft, kind, generous, but no cunning

Artemis = mastermind, ruthless, selfish

Orion appears just in the moment they need Artemis' genius and cunning but I ask myself -is there ever a time Orion would have been a gladly received replacement for Arty in Holly's eyes? Would she ever have the time or patience for him? In other words, would Orion's good qualities ever be enough to outweigh Artemis' bad qualities and make the former more valuable to anyone?

Orion is essentially a manifestation of everything that Artemis is not; his 'good twin', with some qualities that perhaps Artemis feels guilty he doesn't possess, perhaps wishes he possessed. Artemis was left in a very emotional and vulnerable place at the end of The Time Paradox, fully realizing and holding himself responsible for all that went wrong. In my fangirl head I feel that, ultimately, we are about to see a physical manifestation of Artemis' struggle with that: Would I, my family, my friends, and the world be better off if I were less me and more like everything I'm not?

Now I'm excited to see how this all pans out. Ah, supposition my old friend.

April's reading schedule for The Atlantis Complex:

April 4: Chapters 1-3

April 11: Chapters 4-7

April 18: Chapters 8-Epilogue

April 25: A Special Surprise!